Vertigo

Part II of My Amazon Adventure

To read the first in this series, please go here.

As I was leaving the Maloka to head back to my Tambo after my first night's ceremony, I could hardly see in the pitch-black jungle. All I had to light my path was a tiny flashlight that blazed ominous red light. I stepped into my flip-flops and took my first step only to jump back in horror! Right where I was about to place my foot was a humongous furry tarantula! I bent down closer with my red light to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. Without any doubt, the tarantula was there and acted as a very stern reminder that I was a visitor in this rustic kingdom. 

It’s important to be awake to other species crossing our paths, for more often than not they carry messages for us. The Tarantula carried the message of patience. It warned me that moving too soon could create instability that would undermine all of my hard work. Its message was to also trust in the process and that all of the information and knowledge that I would need would come to me in due time. 

The next morning I awoke with another scare! I got out of bed and immediately fell to the floor as the room was spinning in circles and I was completely disoriented. I sat on the ground for about fifteen minutes as the dizziness subsided a bit. I could hear the fellow passengers walking to the Maestro’s house for our morning steam bath. I called out to one of them to ask for assistance. The Facilitator told me that the steam bath might help clear this energy and held my hand as I nervously wobbled towards the group gathered at the Maestro’s. 

Under the tarp with hot steam wafting all around me, I was surprised that it did not feel as claustrophobic as the previous day. In fact, my dizziness seemed to disappear and I felt more grounded and held amongst the heat. When they lifted the tarp, again it felt like a baptism and the hot sticky air of the jungle greeted me like a cool spring day.

Feeling cured of my Vertigo, I walked back to my Tambo in order to get ready for breakfast. However, half way there the dizziness came back in full swing and I dropped to the jungle floor. No one was around to help me and I was too embarrassed to call out for help. I could see my Tambo (jungle hut) from where I was lying and decided I could slowly inch my way back home. On my hands and knees, I dizzily crawled over the mud, ants, and insects of the jungle. I was praying that my tarantula friend wouldn’t decide to make a second appearance. 

When I finally reached my Tambo, I made it to the bathroom and vomited. The dizziness was too overwhelming and anxiety and panic set in. What was I going to do? I was in the middle of the Amazon jungle with no medical help in sight! I had come all this way to work with the medicine and now I might be bedridden for my stay…or maybe something even worse could happen!

As I washed off the mud and grass from my body and clothes, I managed to get myself back into bed. The moment I laid my head on the pillow the dizziness subsided. After about thirty minutes of resting there, I began to laugh as I couldn’t believe the irony! Out of all the maladies I could have received while in the jungle, I suffered from Vertigo, where I was forced to lay down and rest. It was as if the medicine knew I would not take it easy, so she forced my hand and made the decision for me. I then also thought about how vertigo symbolizes balance. I began ruminating on the different ways I was out of balance and how I could live a more holistic life. With my belief that everything is happening for me and not to me, I used this as an opportunity for deeper exploration. 

The next day and a half were challenging for me. I was bedridden and unable to move. I felt isolated from the rest of the group who were forming friendships and deepening their bonds. I was also forced to ask for help and the staff at the retreat center had to wait on me hand and foot. They brought me all of my meals and checked in on me periodically to make sure I was alright. It was uncomfortable for me to ask for this support and foreign for me not to take matters into my own hands. I figured this was all grist for the mill and a part of what I was here to learn. 

On the day of our second ceremony, I was still feeling shaky, but I was determined to still participate. I was scared of working with Ayahuasca not having my full wits about me. She is powerful medicine and stamina and strength are needed. I figured I would take a little bit of a smaller amount to even our playing field. As the lanterns were blown out and we laid there in the darkness, I felt like a wuss for having taken less. I was being hard on myself, for I was a warrior and came here to battle my demons. There was no taking the easy way out.

As I continued to wrestle with whether or not I was a wuss, Mother Ayahuasca crept in beside me. She assured me that I was no wuss and asked me “do you know anyone that would have come to the Amazon, let alone done Ayahuasca here, let alone while suffering from vertigo?” I agreed with her that I surely did not know one person. She then took me to a memory when I was young of my mother swinging my friend, Maryn, and me on the playground. As usual, Maryn was crying and telling my mom to not push her so high. She was oftentimes scared and not a very brave child. On the other hand, I was begging my mom to fly me over the handlebars and at the highest point I would jump off and then land on my feet. I would look back at my mom for her approval and she would have the biggest grin on her face. It was at that moment that I realized how much self-worth I accumulated for being brave over the course of my lifetime. It was a double-edged sword for it allowed me to live a larger-than-life existence but oftentimes pushed me to my limits. 

Even after this veil had been lifted, I still wondered if I should take more medicine to gain deeper insights. Mother Ayahuasca assured me that my body would not be able to handle it. My intention that evening was to help heal my physical, emotional, and energetic body. However, she showed me that in order to HEAL IT I was going to have to FEEL IT and I did not have enough trust in my own body to do that. When it came to my consciousness the medicine told me that I had unwavering trust. She could take me anywhere and I would have faith that I could handle it. The absolute opposite was true for my body. This relationship would take time to rebuild. It was at that moment that I realized my body needed to become the boss. Everything else would need to be demoted till further notice. 

At one point a million snakes were bursting from my chest and flying up into the ceiling of the Maloka. This vision was making me so overwhelmed and I wished for the experience to be over. My resistance was causing panic and I was quickly losing control. I then decided to choose acceptance over resistance and allowed the experience to unfold. The acceptance calmed my nervous system and allowed me to ground myself. 

The theme of acceptance versus resistance would be a strong theme throughout this journey and in that vein, I asked the medicine what would happen if I fully accepted my exhaustion and depression. What if there was no cure and this would be my reality for my entire life? Then what? 

It was made abundantly clear that things would drastically have to shift in my life. My mental and physical health would have to take center stage. Like a person with Diabetes who has to live their life differently and requires insulin, I would have to follow suit. This was going to have to be a matter of lifestyle and a whole lot of discipline. It was time to stop trying to fix myself and actually start taking care of myself. Less reading about personal growth and more about being healthy. 

The medicine then assured me that I have never suffered from chronic depression. In fact, it argued that diagnosis was a western paradigm that does not even exist. Underneath all of these symptoms live trauma and if we need to step away from prescriptions and instead dedicate our lives to un-peeling the onion of our pain where salvation lives. 

She took a microscope to my life and showed me how I had been the phoenix rising from the ashes. Throughout my life, I had to deal with one emotional disaster after the next and was constantly in survival mode. My cortisol and adrenaline were constantly on autopilot and never shut off. I wasn’t suffering from depression, but I was suffering from burnout from chronic stress. 

The medicine again pointed to the need for me to rest. Oftentimes back home I would achieve great production during the day but then would unwind for hours glued to Netflix or scrolling on my phone at night. Mother Ayahuasca assured me that being a slave to these devices was making me ill and were actually depleting my energy even more. She offered an alternative like breathwork or Yoga Nidra. 

The medicine became fainter and I laid on my mat grateful for the potent messages she had bestowed upon me. I gazed up at the full moon and felt grateful for her energy and the other passengers in the room who had been on similar quests that night. I closed my eyes and fell asleep in the Maloka, surrounded by nature’s loving arms and some of the bravest souls I had ever known. Tomorrow would be a new day…

Here is the next story in this blog series also please sign up for my quarterly newsletter!