Release

Part III of My Amazon Adventure

To read the first in this series, please go here.

After last night’s ceremony, my intuition was telling me that the next sitting was going to be monumental but incredibly difficult. I had visions of a night full of gut-wrenching vomiting, purging all of the trauma that was stuck within my body. In all honesty, I was terrified of what lay ahead of me, but I made a decision to jump past my fear in the hope that the medicine might be able to cure me. It’s amazing the lengths people will go to in the name of their own freedom.

Since I had fully recovered from Vertigo, I made a vow to take a full serving of Ayahuasca for I felt physically capable and I was here to do the work. In the Maloka that evening, the Maestro called me to sit with the Facilitators and the elders to receive my dose. I closed my eyes as I held the medicine and infused my intention into the brew…”show me how to release.” I then silently dedicated this ceremony to my mother in her honor, for it was her birthday and I was not only doing this for my own healing but for our ancestral family as well.

Just like in the past two ceremonies, the helpers blew out the lanterns and we all waited in silence for Mother Ayuahsca to come to visit. However, this time the weight of my body felt heavier. Perhaps it was because it was my mother’s birthday and I was thousands of miles away from loved ones over Christmas facing my greatest demons alone. Perhaps I was scared to let go and fully release in the first place. What was I releasing anyways?

Suddenly, the medicine arrived and I was in for the most horrifying experience of my entire life! Within moments of her arrival, I found myself buried alive with cobwebs over my face so I could barely breathe. I had thousands of insects crawling all over my body that were eating my skin, and to make matters even worse (I didn’t think it was possible either!), I was being electrocuted. There was also an incredible amount of visuals but they were overwhelming, all moving way too fast for me to grab ahold of. They just acted as a catalyst that intensified my experience even further.

My survival mechanisms kicked into overdrive as I used every trick in the book to not lose my mind and go absolutely insane. This torture lasted the entire ceremony (approximately five hours). During this time I was grounding myself using breathwork techniques, massage, and self-soothing talk. I held onto every single note of the icaros they sang, for it was the only vibration that was keeping me in reality. At moments I found myself decompartmentalizing my mind so I could survive this experience.

I kept reminding myself that this too shall pass and how grateful I would be to be alive and well. Suddenly my extreme exhaustion and chronic neck pain seemed so minuscule. I longed to be back in that seat instead of buried underneath the ground. It’s amazing how fast your perspective shifts when you are face to face with the law of relativity.

By the very end of the ceremony, I began getting angry with Mother Ayahuasca. I told her that I did not mind pain but I did not condone needless suffering! Where was the lesson in all of this madness?! She then finally showed me some mercy and I was able to breathe again and come to my senses. She reminded me of my intention which was to “ show me how to release.” The way in which she decided to show me this was through the opposite….ROW.

On a day-to-day basis, I was living with extreme fatigue and chronic pain, yet I was managing it…barely. Mother Ayahuasca showed me that all she did was increase my threshold so I could see for myself how exhausting it was and how much energy it took from my system to be in constant survivor mode.

She then brought me to a beautiful secluded beach where she began writing SOS. I didn’t understand at first, but then I realized she wanted me to ask for help. I had been suffering in silence for my entire life and had actually never been to a Doctor to have them take a look at these symptoms. Again, I had always chalked it up to my having chronic depression which was not the case at all.

Lastly, she whispered into my ear the most profound thing I had ever heard. She said “You thought that the jungle was going to make you, but it’s going to break you. That is release.” I realized at that moment that the very resiliency that I was so proud to carry, was the thing that was breaking me into a million pieces. I never realized that release would be putting down my armor and learning when to stop the fight.

As I walked back to my Tambo that evening, I was pretty distraught to say the least. Laying my head on my pillow, I was ready to go to sleep and work through a pretty traumatic night in my dreams. However, as I closed my eyes I suddenly heard a loud thump! I sprang up in bed and grabbed my flashlight. Right next to my head was a humungous frog that somehow made its way into my Tambo. This being the Amazon Rainforest, I had no idea if this frog would be poisonous! I grabbed my broom and gently helped it out the door. However, as I walked back to my bed I heard several other loud thumps! I brought my flashlight up towards the ceiling and there must have been at least ten other frogs inside my Tambo! I dropped the broom and ran back towards the Maloka!

I decided to sleep in the Maloka that evening and would deal with the frogs in the morning. As I went to sleep that night, I was reminded of several months before this grand adventure my friend and I were hanging out and we started hearing a bunch of frogs on her property. I asked her to look up the meaning of a frog totem for fun. She told me that it was an animal that symbolized transformation and rebirth. It was also a symbol of release and cleansing. I was so touched by the frogs meaning that I almost packed a small wooden frog in my backpack to take with me into the jungle as a symbol of my intention. On the night I asked to release….God answered my call.

To read the next story in this series go HERE.