To Know the Dark, Go Dark
Part I of My Amazon Adventure
My journey to the jungle started in fourth grade when I said “It ends with me.” This is what I said to my parents when I offered to walk dogs in order to pay for my own therapy. From a young age, I instinctively knew that it was up to me to end the generational trauma that plagued my family and to be the light of my ancestry. I don’t think I had any idea how profound and difficult this journey would be but I dedicated my entire life to lifting the veil and being the mirror for myself and for others.
This calling to heal my trauma would eventually lead me into the jungle of the Amazon to drink one of the strongest and most potent hallucinogens on this planet. What made me pull the lever on such a wild and crazy experience? The most honest answer is that I had no other choice. I had tried everything to release the trauma that had been stored in my body for the past thirty years. I had grown leaps and bounds in my healing, but as the Trauma Specialist Bessel Van Der Kolk says, the body keeps the score. It acts as your subconscious holding onto memories that are frozen in time until you rediscover and process them. Every morning I was waking up feeling more exhausted than the last, feeling emotionally numb, and not having the energy to hardly get out of bed most mornings.
I was joined by twenty-three other souls who had reached a similar point in their journeys. They had tried everything and this was their last hope for salvation. They came from all different parts of the world and had many different experiences and traumas, yet there was such a comfort in knowing that I was not alone in my pain. People showing up authentically and exposing their true darkness immediately helped to build a safe container of trust and support for me, one that I believe the world has been lacking and yearning for.
As I hopped onto the tiny boat that would take us deep into the jungle, I was in a dreamlike state staring into the murky brown waters of the Amazon river. As we descended off the boat and porters came to grab our bags, we hiked through thick mud, blazing heat, and mosquitoes that swarmed all around us. Halfway through I got a bit of heatstroke and began to feel very dizzy. I prayed that my body would allow me to make it to the retreat center so I would not embarrass myself and faint in front of my newfound community.
Once we arrived at the retreat center, I was taken to my Tambo (jungle hut) which was surprisingly spacious and nice for jungle living. I sat on my bed taking in all of the jungle sounds that were so foreign to my ears. I thought about how far away I was from my friends and family back home and that most people I knew would never get to experience something so profound as this in their lives. This truly was an adventure of a lifetime.
That evening we all had our first dinner together which was a special diet since we would be working with the medicine, Ayahuasca, for the next two weeks. There would be six ceremonies in which we would sit with the medicine in total. The food was pretty palatable considering we were not allowed any seasoning, red meats, pork, fermented foods, spices, or sugar.
As I walked back to my Tambo that evening under an umbrella with new friends, the rain poured down heavily. Being in the jungle you just felt the aliveness of nature so much more. At around 6:30 pm the sun settled and the sky grew pitch black. Without any electricity in my Tambo, I was struck with the realization of how much alone time I would be having with nothing to distract me like my phone or Netflix. I was asleep by 7:30 with the sounds of the birds and insects humming me into a deep slumber.
That morning I awoke around 4 am, which is around the time the jungle wakes up. Having netting as my windows there was no distinction between the inside and the outside world. I would soon realize that this would become my new rhythm, going to sleep when the Earth says goodnight and waking up to her every morning.
Today was the first day of ceremony so naturally, my nerves were a bit on edge. At around 7 am I walked over to the Maestro’s house (the medicine man) for our morning steam bath. The Shipibo healers, indigenous people who live in the Amazon and work with these plant medicines, greeted us with pots of boiling water that were cooking medicinal plants from the jungle. They told me to sit on a stool and then proceeded to put a tarp over me so I could breathe in the steam from the kettle. My claustrophobia kicked in a bit as the steam surrounded me under this small tarp, making it difficult to breathe in the hot moist air. Not to mention that it was already about 90 degrees outside, so sweat lept from my body and craved a nice cold swimming pool. As they lifted the tarp twenty minutes later, it felt like I was being reborn. The hot sticky air of the jungle now felt like I was being kissed by a cool breeze and new beginnings.
For the rest of the day, we would spend most of our time in our Tambo, reflecting on our intentions for the upcoming ceremony and getting grounded. Before the first ceremony, I took out my tarot deck and asked a general question about what this experience would offer me. I pulled the Spirit Fox who represents staying alert because change is in the air. It went on to say that the fox is an amazing resilient creature able to survive in environments where it is hunted. For centuries they have been hunted for their precious fur when all they want to do is survive. Its extended message to me read as follows:
“The energies around you are changing at this time, and although it may not always be comfortable, you are equipped with all that you need to survive this shift. You are being presented with opportunities to reach spaces you’ve never encountered before, and this can make you feel on edge, but be open to the shifts occurring, because they really are the answers to your prayers. The experience of being hunted or threatened is now behind you and you are being invited to come out from your den and reveal your glory and talents.”
I thought about how so much of my life had been around resilience and survival and just how exhausted I felt. I decided that my intention that evening was for the medicine to show me how I could cure this exhaustion that had plagued me for most of my life.
Before the ceremony, the Shipibo healers would meet us near the river to give us floral baths. Cleansing our skin before we worked with Mother Ayahuasca was part of their ritual and it was a lovely one. It was also a nice time to reconnect with the community at large and hear how everyone was feeling before stepping into our individual journeys.
An hour later we gathered in the Maloka, a large round temple where the ceremonies were hosted. We received an offering of yin yoga and the facilitator walked us through a new Chinese earth element every night which consisted of Wood, Earth, Metal, Fire, Air, and Water. A constant theme of this work was to connect us with nature and to realize the external and internal worlds are one and the same.
When the Shipibo healers came to the Maloka to prepare the medicine, everyone’s hearts began racing. The Maestro did a ritual where he sang and breathed into the medicine and lit his mapacho (cigarette) to help clear any evil energies. One by one, we were called to sit in front of the Maestro and the thick brown liquid was poured into a small cup. We watched as people closed their eyes, infusing their intentions into the brew, and taking one big gulp.
After everyone received their dose, we laid back on our mats, and the helpers blew out the candles of the lanterns. We were now in complete darkness, just waiting to be visited by Mother Ayahuasca…alone with our thoughts and the sounds of the jungle nearby. About forty minutes later, I felt her creep beside me (I refer to her as a female, for they call Ayuhuasca the Grandmother vine and she oftentimes has a feminine energy that will guide you throughout your journey).
The Shipibo healers could also feel her presence and began the ceremony by singing icaros, songs that have been passed down for centuries in their lineage to help heal people. There were four Maestro’s or Curanderos in the ceremony and they each sang different songs depending on what ailment they were trying to heal. They took turns going in a circle around the room, visiting each person's mat as you were supposed to sit up and receive their blessings.
As the medicine came on I was surprised how strong it was. My immediate reaction was one of panic. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to withstand this battle. I felt weak and utterly exhausted. Why did I put myself through this? I just wanted my life to be easier and less filled with the need to push myself to these extremes.
I then felt a wave of nausea roll over me and could not release the sickness. I became agitated and was fighting it. After about twenty minutes, I stopped and asked myself “what if I stop fighting this and just accept that nausea is part of this process?” Within seconds I did accept it and my nausea went away. I couldn’t believe the immediate relief!
I was then reminded of my intention for that evening which was to “show me how to relieve my exhaustion.” I asked myself the same question. “What if I accepted that my exhaustion was part of my healing process?”
In that moment I realized that my body was not showing me exhaustion for no reason, but was sounding an alarm for me to pay attention to. I realized that my body was like a message in a bottle…one that I needed to read and pay attention to. Instead of fighting the exhaustion, I should listen to why it is there in the first place.
The medicine then walked me through different scenarios of my exhaustion. She brought me to the porter who carried my fifty-pound backpack through the jungle for me. She made me realize that I was not so dissimilar to that porter, I was just carrying the baggage of my ancestors and the weight of the world on my shoulders. She then brought me to the millions of batteries that I packed in my backpack and asked me “how much battery power does it take to run Makenzie Darling?” She went on to say “where in your life can you mitigate unnecessary energy and power?” Lastly, she brought me to the ten self-help books that I lugged with me into the jungle. She mocked me and said “ you say that you are exhausted yet you bring reading materials with you to the jungle to continuously work on yourself. When do you give yourself a break?”
At that moment a huge thunderstorm swept over the jungle and the rain poured ferociously like I had never heard it before. Then all of a sudden RAIN came to me:
R: Recognize that I am exhausted.
A: Accept that I am exhausted.
I: Investigate why I am exhausted.
N: Nurture what I need to not be so exhausted.
I wept with tears filled with love as if Mother Nature had sent that rainstorm, particularly for me. I felt support like I had never felt in my entire life…like the universe was rooting for me and wanted me to heal. What a perfect way to encapsulate this experience and a tool to use forever on how to get more in touch with my emotions and needs.
As the ceremony came to a close, the Maestro came to my mat to sing his final icaros. I could feel the vibration from the song engulf me and I just let go. Tears flew from my eyes as I realized how exhausted I had been from rowing upstream all these years. I thought about the element of water and how I so dearly wished to go with the flow and not have to paddle so hard.
As the ceremony came to a close, we all whistled and cheered one another on in the darkness. All of the passengers were accounted for and we all breathed a deep sigh of relief. We had made it! Ceremony 1 was complete. Only 5 more to go…
Until next time, I’ll leave you with a poem that my friend gifted me from Wendel Berry which reads:
“To go in the dark with a light is to know the light. To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight, and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings, and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.”
Join me for the next story in this series HERE. If you would like to sign up for my quarterly newsletter to receive updates about new publishings please fill out this form.
