Sitting in the Ashes:

Community Grief Ritual

Exploring the Different Gates of Grief

Francis Weller, in his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, describes six "gates" through which grief enters our lives. These gates help us understand the multifaceted nature of grief and its connection to both our personal and collective experiences.

Each gate invites us into a deeper relationship with grief, offering a way to honor, integrate, and ultimately transform the sorrow we carry. Weller’s framework encourages us to embrace grief as a sacred process of healing and growth.

At our community gatherings, we will be exploring a new gate and creating ritual to honor each of them.

  • This gate reflects the inevitable losses that come with life—death, endings, and changes that sever our bonds with loved ones, places, or experiences.

  • This gate opens to the pain of our unmet needs and wounds from childhood, including areas of shame, neglect, or rejection.

  • This gate connects us to the collective grief of living on a planet in crisis. It encompasses ecological destruction, social injustice, and the suffering of others.

  • This gate involves the grief of unfulfilled dreams and expectations—relationships, ambitions, or opportunities that never came to fruition.

  • This gate acknowledges the inherited pain carried through generations, such as trauma, oppression, or unhealed wounds from our lineage.

  • This gate reflects grief for the ways we have contributed to pain in the lives of others or the world, through action or inaction.

The term “Sitting in the Ashes” is inspired by my Scandinavian heritage, which is rooted in ancient mourning rituals where in times of grief, people would literally or symbolically sit in ashes to embody their sorrow, allowing themselves to be fully present with their pain. This act was often communal, taking place around a hearth or a ceremonial fire, where the collective mourning became a space of healing and connection.

Ashes, the remnants of fire’s transformative power, were seen as sacred—representing both the destruction of the old and the fertile ground for new beginnings. By "sitting in the ashes," individuals honored their loss while simultaneously surrendering to the natural cycles of death and rebirth—a practice that acknowledged grief as a sacred threshold, offering the potential for profound transformation and renewal.

Grief, when held alone, can feel like an unbearable weight. In these grief rituals we grieve together—expressing our humanness openly, vulnerably, and unapologetically. By sharing this space, we honor our individual experiences and witness and affirm the shared truths of being human.

Our Full Moon and Grief Ritual Schedule

For centuries, the full moon has been revered for its potent energy, casting light on the shadows and guiding us through cycles of release and renewal. By aligning our rituals with this celestial rhythm, we draw upon its power to unburden, to express, and to heal. These ceremonies are deeply rooted in the natural elements, serving as a profound reminder of our intimate connection to the Earth and the infinite cosmos.

We meet on Ocean Beach in San Francisco from 5:30 - 7:00 PST. For those interested, afterwards we gather as a community and have dinner across the street at The Beach Chalet.

  • February 12, 2025: Full Snow Moon

  • March 14, 2025: Full Worm Moon

  • April 12, 2025: Full Pink Moon

  • May 12, 2025: Full Flower Moon

  • June 11, 2025: Full Strawberry Moon

  • July 10, 2025: Full Buck Moon

  • August 9, 2025: Full Sturgeon Moon

  • September 7, 2025: Full Corn Moon

  • October 6, 2025: Full Harvest Moon

  • November 5, 2025: Full Beaver Moon

  • December 4, 2025: Full Cold Moon

The Elements of Ritual

  • Fire

    A communal bonfire at the center of our circle symbolizes transformation, burning away what no longer serves us and igniting new beginnings.

  • Water

    The ocean waves echo our tears, washing away pain and offering renewal.

  • Earth

    The sand beneath us grounds us in the present moment, holding us with its steady presence.

  • Wind

    The ocean breeze carries our prayers, cries, and intentions out into the vast expanse.

“Grief is itself a medicine.” - John Cower

“Where there is grief, there is holy ground.” -Oscar Wilde

“This work is soul activism, a form of deep resistance to the disconnected way in which our society has conditioned us to live. It’s an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small.”

— Francis Weller